恐怖的话语。如何应对滥用职权的同事和下级

在谈话中，你的同事说了一些话，立刻让你感到不舒服。他们以为自己只是在开玩笑，但他们的话听起来很不愉快--甚至含有辱骂、种族主义或性别歧视的暗示。在这种情况下，你应该怎么做？你能在不激起同事的负面反应的情况下，引起对辱骂性话语的注意吗？这样做对你的声誉和事业整体上会有风险吗？

这种情况确实很复杂。根据加州大学黑斯廷斯学院工作生活法中心的创始人和负责人琼-威廉姆斯的说法，这种决定涉及风险，因为它们包括与工作中的偏见有关的两个令人不快的问题：不确定你听到的是否真的是一种敌对行为，以及担心你的反应会受到惩罚。在这种情况下，怀疑是很自然的：你不确定你是否正确理解了对方的意思，或者他们只是在开玩笑。

即使你认为在这种情况下你一定会给出一些答复，现实也会证明你错了。根据西华盛顿大学国际研究中心主任亚历山大-佐普和他的同事的研究，人们期望的反应和他们的实际反应之间存在着不一致的地方。以下是一些建议，当有人告诉你一些虐待行为时，下次该如何行动。

"The first step is to decide whether you should attract attention to the abusive words. Undoubtedly there is a whole number of important reasons for that. To raise your self-esteem and to get rid of racism among the staff are worthy reasons, Williams says. “Your silence signalizes that everything is alright. In fact, you permitted the person to act the same again and again”, he believes. Probably, you get a chance to change your colleague’s behaviour to the better, and such a chance shouldn’t be missed. Zopp’s research shows that the appropriate reaction to the abusive behaviour in the moment when it occurred may lead to the positive changes in the future."

如果你是扰乱者的头，你有更好的机会。经理们有责任（有时是法律规定的）提供没有一个员工在工作中受到威胁或感到尴尬。更重要的是，研究表明，如果你不属于施暴者所反对的类别，你的影响力会更大，威廉姆斯解释说。"例如，当涉及性别歧视时，男性为女性站出来的声音更有说服力。我们更相信他们，因为他们不担心被虐待"。

威廉姆斯补充说，你必须考虑，你在和谁打交道，如果你和他们对峙，这个人的反应和，分别会有什么代价。反应可能是简单的轻蔑（"你太夸张了，我只是在开玩笑"）或防御性的（"你在指责我什么？"）。记住这个人通常如何回答反对意见。反省是他们的典型特征吗？他们的意图是好的吗？也要考虑这个人是否对你有权威，以及你的行为是否会受到惩罚的可能性。佐普说："你的人身安全或你的工作处于危险之中"。特别是这涉及到你代表被虐待的群体时的情况。威廉姆斯的研究表明，当妇女和少数种族试图表现出毅力时，他们会面临更严厉的答复。这并不意味着你应该什么都不说，但考虑后果是很重要的。然而，如果你的首要目标是保住你的工作，你可能不应该陷入对立。

如果你决定说出来，要把这种情况当作对方不是故意冒犯你的。正如威廉姆斯解释的那样，在大多数情况下，犯罪者甚至没有怀疑，也无法理解他们的行为会被如何解释。表现出同情心，你一定也犯过错误。"每个人都曾经丢过脸，你也不是完美的"，威廉姆斯说。你也许应该分享一个你自己的经历中的例子，当你说了一些事，事后你痛苦地后悔了。提到你曾经遇到过类似的情况，可以减少对方的防御反应，使他们更容易接受你的观点。

Do not throw hasty accusations. Zopp's research points out that harsh remarks - for example, "this is racism" - lead to more intensive defensive actions. Zopp is convinced that most people make a mountain out of a molehill, displaying excessive harshness: "The word "racism” reminds us about the adherents of the ideas of white domination, the Ku Klux Klan and the burning crosses - any hint of it will be unpleasant." Williams agrees: "By entering into confrontation with the abuser, you can feel like a righteous person, but no one likes to hear that he is a sexist, racist or behaving insultingly."

威廉姆斯建议在辱骂性言论之后立即问这样一个问题。"你是什么意思？"或 "你的言论是基于什么信息？"。让对方参与讨论，你可以帮助他或她审视自己的偏见，清除他或她可能不太理解的问题。 要求他重复自己的话语可能是值得的。这将使对方仔细思考这句话的真正含义和产生的效果，并给他或她一个机会收回自己的话。

如果对方不认为他或她的评论是辱骂，你可以通过建议某种观察或有用的信息来帮助他或她扩大眼界。例如，如果对方认为你的同事提前回家是在怠慢工作，你可以这样回答。"最近我读了一个非常有趣的研究，表明当女性离开办公室时，我们总是认为她们是去找孩子。当男人做同样的事情时，我们甚至都没有注意到"。重要的是要用这样的声音说出来，听起来不像是隐蔽的攻击性。你分享信息的意图越真诚，不因对方的偏见而羞辱对方，对方就越可能听你的。

If you decide that it's embarrassing to engage in an open confrontation, there are other ways, says Zopp. For example, you can change the subject, thereby sending a signal to a person that you do not approve of his or her remark. "We have to rely on the fact that a person has enough empathy to understand this sign," he says. You can also try to wait and see what happens. Sometimes the abuser realizes his or her mistake and apologizes.

Depending on the gravity of the insult, you can decide that you do not care about another person’s self-esteem, notes Williams: "You may have a feeling that it's time to throw down a gauntlet. If you have weighed all the pros and cons, that's fine. And if a person bristles and turns on a defensive reaction, you now have even more information about his or her true face. "

CleverControl继续研究对同事和下属的冒犯行为的最佳反应方式。是放过还是指责？是自己处理施暴者还是提交给经理？什么是正确的行为，什么是错误的行为？这篇文章分两部分讨论了这些和其他问题。

If the offensive remarks continue and you feel uneasy, perhaps it is worth drawing the attention of the management. Williams says your strength is in numbers: "Are there other people in the team who were insulted and who can provide evidence that this employee creates a hostile climate in the team? If you tried to solve the problem on your own and could not, you can tell about this in private to someone who has a higher post. " You can say: "A whole group of people found themselves in an unpleasant situation, we need your advice." Just remember, warns Williams, that "by inflating the situation, you spend most of your political capital."

考虑一下你保持沉默的后果。在没有回答的情况下留下评论，你可能会给对方一个许可，让他一次又一次地这样做。

请注意，如果你在一个管理岗位上，你要负责处理侮辱性的问题。

问一些问题，以帮助一个人思考所讲的内容，并澄清可能的误解。

不要忘记考虑负面后果，特别是如果你本人是侮辱性评论的目标。

不要认为这个人想冒犯你或其他人；他或她完全有可能不是故意的。

不要责怪施暴者有偏见--这很可能会迫使他或她为自己辩护，而且从长远来看，他或她不太可能改变自己的行为。

Ben Brooks just came to work to one of the best consulting companies, and he and his senior colleague were talking on a conference call with the rest of the staff. In response to some words from Ben, his colleague said: "You’re such a gay!" Brooks was so shocked that he could not even say anything. "And this is the man I admired. He helped me get a job. He did not know that I was a homosexual, and seemed to treat this as something insignificant, but I immediately felt uneasy," recalls Ben. He left the office offended and angry, asking himself whether he had moved from one end of the country to another to be called gay at work.

After calming down, he went to his colleague next morning to discuss the situation. Having found the office empty, he left a note saying that they need to talk. When a colleague met him later, Ben began the conversation in a friendly manner: "I said that if I ever offend him, I want him to tell me honestly about it. He agreed". Ben explained that his colleague's remark upset him. "He immediately apologized, but somehow not too sincere," - recalls Ben. Then Ben took a deep breath and said that he was a homosexual. "When I explained to him how much I was offended by his words, he literally pressed himself into a chair with shame," says Ben. The colleague was depressed, asked with all his heart for forgiveness, and Ben forgave him.

"We all make mistakes and deserve to be given one more chance when we recognize our mistakes and apologize," says Ben. Now he works as general manager of PILOT, a start-up that helps managers retain their talented employees. Ben and a former colleague still maintain friendly relations. "I'm sure he will never call anyone gay anymore," Brooks said.

Daniel Wagner (names and some details changed), co-owner of the company specializing in finding top managers in New York, was working for more than a year with Carol, the founder of a youth educational organization. In the process of advising on hiring leaders, he was often puzzled by Carol’s certain comments and requests. For example, one day she wrote a letter to his employees and asked to find the candidates’ photo to understand how they look. She also asked them to determine the age of applicants. After one meeting, Carol noticed that the interviewee "was dressed as if she was a Baptist." Another time, when discussing an African American candidate, she expressed a concern that the color of her skin could prevent people from taking her seriously.

All this time, Daniel tried to speak directly and honestly with Carol. "As a senior in the team, I constantly tried to improve the situation myself, before she embarrassed herself," he recalls. For example, when she asked for inappropriate information about candidates, he replied: "We do not require this information because we do not base our decision on it. We focus on knowledge and skills. " And when she asked for photos, he said: "Please do not ask us about it again. This will not work".

At the same time, he never accused her of racism or other prejudices: "I did not want to make judgments about her intentions or moral qualities ... My parents sometimes make such comments, so I know that good people sometimes act inappropriately."

Carol's reaction was different. Sometimes she denied that she said something insulting, and said: "I guess you misunderstood me." Sometimes Carol apologized. But it seems that over time, Daniel's efforts were rewarded with success. "Now she says less offensive words," Daniel admits. "It has become much better."